KANDIDLY KYLIE

 

LIFE IS FINALLY MAKING SENSE

Part 1-

Growing up, I think we can all remember that one kid, usually a boy who clearly had ADD in our class. They were usually nice kids, class clowns, and the teacher was constantly at them for swinging on their chair, blurting out things , argumentative, and not paying attention. They would lose their temper and fly off the handle when someone pushed their buttons. We all knew they couldn’t have red drinks or they would go crazy, but for some reason they couldn’t help themselves and would always be drinking red drinks, buying red frogs and all the sugary things they craved from the tuckshop haha. As a kid, that was as much as I really knew about ADHD, I was just thankful it wasn’t me.

It wasn’t until just over 4 years ago, when it was suggested by my husbands Clinical Psycologist that she was suspicious many of the problems he was having in life, were due to him possibly having ADHD. It was a bit unexpected, and honestly, it took many more months of her encouraging him to see a Psychiatrist before he took the steps to get assessed and diagnosed. Neither of us really understood it, but thankfully google had a wealth of information, and my goodness, this even explained his extreme sleepiness and fatigue, I was suspicious of narcolepsy up until this point! He was eventually diagnosed and given stimulant medication. 

He told me he felt like he could relax for the first time in his life, that the constant noise in his head which he had often complained of, to the point he wanted to die because he couldn’t switch it off, finally was quiet. It was life changing for him. It wasn’t a magic pill, it didn’t make him perfect, and he still struggled with many executive functions and impulsivity, and the effects of years living undiagnosed and untreated, but the improvement from medication was astounding. I have shared some of Joel’s story in bits and pieces in the past,  but it really is incredible, and I look forward to the day he shares it in its entirety from his own mouth.

Part 2-

When our son Spencer was born, he was the most perfect placid baby you could imagine. He was the baby everyone would dream of having! It wasn’t until he was about 8 months old he started getting extremely tough. When I say extremely, I mean extremely. Any child at that age does begin getting frustrated when they can’t express what they want, but this guy would absolutely lose it. 

He would beat himself up, hit his head on whatever was around him. He was always covered in bruises, which embarrassed me so much that I didn’t want to go in public, because it looked like I was abusing my child. 

Many times I would drop him at daycare crying and at my witts end. He would even hit me so hard that it was painful. As he grew it got worse. We eventually had to take everything out of his room so that he could be safe, and would put him in there screaming and kicking walls till he would eventually wear himself out. Nothing we did would calm him down.

I was suspicious from that really early age that there must be something else going on, but it was really so early to know exactly what it was or even to be diagnosed with anything. I eventually learned that he would do the opposite of whatever I told him. He was that oppositional, that it was like Opposite Day in our house 24/7 trying to get Spencer to do the things we wanted him to do.

At 4years old, I finally took him to a behavioural paed, who said he was too young to diagnose, but his symptoms of ADHD were very severe for his age. He was certain he had it and gave us a tentative diagnosis, and said at this age all we could do was see a psychologist and get help with parenting strategies. He also agreed with me that holding him back from going to school the next year would be very beneficial for him, for social reasons as well as academically.

Part 3-

I began seeing a Psycologist with him to figure out how we could change our approach and make home life better. I also began researching ADHD, and understanding how his brain works, and learning strategies to use with him, as all of the changes that needed to be made, fell on me.

I changed my whole approach to parenting with him, learnt to reward and praise good behaviour, ignore the bad (was extremely hard to not react), and make sure I was preparing him for things and not springing them on him. I introduced more routine and made sure to not change plans if I could help it. Things improved a little, but not a whole lot…

I took him back at 5 years old and he was diagnosed, and given medication, Ritlian. We saw some very minor improvements, but the kick back effects were nothing short of awful. The meltdowns were worse than when he wasn’t on them! 

We ended up trialling Dextroamphetamine and the results were instantly what we were promised was supposed to happen! My boy was the happiest most caring content person! We certainly didn’t lose his personality, it was like his personality was able to shine, as he was no longer living with the feeling of constant agitation. I still get emotional and teary seeing how much it has helped him. Even when he has missed a dosage of medication, he seems to still be ok, cause generally he lives life feeling happy and good about himself.

Medication, combined with our new understanding of how his brain works and parenting strategies, many wouldn’t even guess he has ADHD! He is a little delayed and struggling with things that require a good working memory at school, thankfully because he has a diagnosis, he is getting so much help and assistance, rather than being told to just try harder.

Part 4-

The past few years of my life have consisted soo much of learning to live with my husband having ADHD and my son also having it. I have consumed many audiobooks, online articles, and podcasts trying to support and understand my guys better, and make life nicer at home. Having a partner with ADHD has huge impacts on relationships, and unpacking what that meant for our decade of marriage and the future was important if we wanted life to get better. It really did improve, but I felt myself struggling still in my responses, and the way I would handle things, especially when it came to Joel.

When going through the diagnostics process for Spencer, I was asked by his doctor if there was a history of learning disabilities  in the family, as its extremely hereditary. I mentioned that I have always had a suspicion that I may have Dyslexia as I really struggled in school, and still do struggle with reading, learning and comprehension.

He asked me to explain what happens, and what makes me struggle so much. I explained that I often replace words with other words, which makes things not make sense, I have to read passages multiple times to have an understanding of them, and even then, having to rephrase it feels almost impossible. I found it hard when math began introducing too many steps, my memory would constantly fail me, and all the steps were too much to handle. When writing things I have to proof read things 10 times and still then I will often miss errors that have been made.

In that moment, he said what you have explained to me is describing symptoms of ADHD and not Dyslexia. He encouraged me to see a Psychiatrist for myself, as he believed it could be life changing for me even as an adult if I did in fact have it. With my child being diagnosed, statistically there was a very high chance I could have it also. 

I walked away and was actually a bit taken back. It’s something I never considered for myself, and if I did have it, it wasn’t as bad as Joel, cause the things he struggles with in life seem so different to me…how can we both have ADHD and be so different?! Surely not! I shelved the idea for a while, as I couldn’t really focus too much on sorting myself out at the same time as Spencer anyway.

Part 5-

I was studying at the time, thankfully I had some really awesome girls I was studying with in my first year who kept me on track, they reminded me when I had assessments due and we would gather together and get stuff done. They don’t know just how much I needed them. The second year I didn’t have them, as they were full-time students and I was only part time. I no longer had them keeping me on track, and that second year was super tough. I fumbled my way through making excuses for why things were always late, applying for extensions on nearly every assignment, and putting off wrapping up things when I had already completed majority of an assignment. I couldn’t sit and do my work if there were any distractions, I needed peace and quiet, no interruptions or distractions…including having to have a spotless house before I could focus my attention on my work. I got a diploma in Counselling in the end, but what should have been so easy for me, felt so damn hard.

I ended up revisiting the idea of ADHD….I researched and realised just how differently it presents in girls. Girls are often in trouble as children for talking constantly, interrupting, not being aware of what’s going on around them, disorganisation, often completely unaware they are even interrupting what people are doing. They often are completely oblivious of things if they are in their own zone doing something they love. They daydream, are distracted by different things and are often not diagnosed as they are not as disruptive to other classes.If anything they just get moved to a different desk away from their friends in an attempt to make them stop talking.They are told their lack of organisation is the problem, that if only they could do that and exert more effort and concentrate, they would have better grades. Their hyperactivity often presents itself by ways of fidgeting rather than being unable to sit in their chair or bouncing of walls.

OMG…this was me!! Like undoubtedly me! The more I read about female ADHD, the more it explained the constant struggles I have had in life with consistency, forgetfulness, stupid errors no matter how hard I try, my constant feeling of agitation and quick temper. It explained the creative side of me too  where if I put my mind to something I enjoy, I master it so effortlessly. I struggle completing many tasks or sticking to a new routine, to the point I barely try as I know I will always fail and relapse, no matter how many motivational talks I give myself. 

Part 6-

My entire adult life I have struggled with fatigue, to the point I don’t like to commit to anything. Even if it’s something I really love, because I know that if I do that thing, 110% of my attention will go to it and nothing else in life will matter at all while I am doing it. I will literally not eat or have a break, making my body utterly exhausted, but my mind powers me through.

Just thinking about what I get like makes me too scared to start things, because what I do to myself makes it hard for me to recover. I also put off tasks that I am not interested in, but are essential to life, cause it seems like too much effort in the moment. I get extremely overwhelmed if I have multiple important things to do. 

My house is a prime example of what my life is like. My house often looks perfect when you look at it. I love making it look beautiful and well presented, I am a perfectionist about it. But my gosh, open any cupboard and it will be utter chaos, I hoard things, can never throw them out…thankfully though, my husband is ruthless and culls often..so we are at no risk of ending up on a hoarders tv show haha.

My clean house is a facade just like the image I present to others. I am not ok inside, I don’t feel depressed, I don’t excessively worry, but I do feel constantly agitated for no reason, and I have often felt like an imposter. Even when I worked in Pharmacy, I was capable of doing and understanding level 3 work, and was often doing those jobs, but wouldn’t ever go and actually do the certs, as I knew how much I struggle with the academic side of things. I was also very inconsistent in my work, I would go from having exceptional days, to days where I just couldn’t get it together, making constant errors.

I ended up quitting as I couldn’t cope well with working and life at the same time, and I have always been too fearful to even try work a job again as I feel like I would just fail. The day I got my licence to dive a car, I have never felt such a sense of accomplishment in my life. I couldn’t believe I actually did something. that moment stands out to me, cause its a feeling I have rarely had in life.
I was honestly surprised they even let me graduate grade 7 at the time and go to high school. I didn’t cope with high school at all, and in the end didn’t even bother trying anymore, I never stayed on past grade 11 as it seemed pointless, I wasn’t going to get an OP or anything out of it and was failing every subject anyway, I may well have just been working and at least earning money.

Part 7-

I am sure on some level, every woman could relate to some of examples I gave, the key difference is the sheer amount of these difficulties consistently present in my life for as long as I remember,  which really have held me back from being who I really desired and knew I should be, always having the feeling of falling short or not good enough, but I wouldn’t openly talk about this, as I knew it was something I couldn’t change and was ashamed and embarrassed about. I always felt so much smarter than what I could achieve when tested.

I decided to finally go see a Psychiatrist almost 1 year after Spencers Doctor suggested it, as I realised I do want more in life, I do think me having ADHD, really impacts negatively on my relationship with my husband, and being the mother I want to be. I want to study further, and have a career working in mental health. Given my track record, unless I get a diagnosis and treat this, and get the help I deserve, I won’t be able to be the person I want to be. I have never feared failure, I  just expected it.

 I may now be in my mid 30’s but I have many more years of life still left, and I have seen and heard stories of countless lives improved and changed by diagnosis and treatment, including my own Husbands.

After a couple of sessions with a Psychiatrist, I was diagnosed this week, without a shadow of doubt. My next appointment with her will be about medication, and figuring out the next steps going forward…so I guess watch this space.

Closing-

I find myself talking about ADHD quite often these days, but in reality, its my life, and something that’s been in my life all along, I just didn’t know it.

I am also married to it, and parenting it. Being able to understand it, work with and embrace it for what it is, is fundamental to every area of our family’s life being the way we deserve it to be. Sure we probably would get through life ok without diagnosis and treatment, but why settle for ok? Why make a short sited person struggle with seeing, instead of handing them some glasses? Why not put ourselves on the same level playing field to others who don’t have to work so hard to produce average outcomes? The ability to harness the hyperfocus that comes with ADHD while treating the things that hold someone back, produces extraordinary people, who change the world and pioneer new things.

There are many misconceptions, judgements and myths around ADHD,  and bringing awareness to something that’s so big in my life, and so under-diagnosed is important to me.  If my struggles resonate with you, I encourage you to look into it, as you don’t have to live like that, or can at least understand yourself to manage life better. ADHD varies between each person and the severity in which it impacts on their life. If you do have it, you may not feel like it holds you back, and more than likely, you have found ways to cope on your own, and have a job that plays to your strengths and interests, others may not be as fortunate.

….And if you cannot relate, I hope it allows you rethink some ideas and myths you may believe about it, and ask questions rather than make judgements.

Kylie xx